I'm Sorry For the Delay....Now Back to Regular Scheduled Broadcasting

Sorry for the delay in posting.  Not sure who all reads this  but it is more a place for me to put my thoughts than anything.  Would prob not be a bad thing if no one found this little blog.  Anywho...

So just getting back from training in San Diego with this new company I have a job with.  Now that I'm done with training, I'll have to wait till they find work so will be going back to my regular (read dead-end job) at the hospital I work at.  I'm excited to start work with this company, sure it will be hard work but will get to travel.  Only downside is I will be posted in remote locations and have very limited interaction with other gay guys unless I find one in a town where the population shares a full set of teeth.  Doubtful but it is something I was aware of when I signed up for the schooling.  A part of me feels sad that I won't ever have any meaningful relationships due to the nature of the work and travel (work six weeks with only one week off does not contribute to a meaningful relationship), but the other half is releaved as I have had my share of heartache in my 28 years of life and don't wish to keep adding more to it in the form of failed from the start relationships.  

So how do straight relationships do it then if gay relationships are unable to do it in this field of work I've chosen?  The answer is they don't.  My fellow coworkers that have significan others will be forced to choose eventually as while the money is good, only having 1 week to see your SO out of every 6 weeks will put a strain on the relationship.  One of the guys I was working with down in San Diego was already dealing with one of the downsides to this career field that involves so much traveling.  He cheated and his wife found out.  He's only 22.  So not only will he have to pay child support but alimony as well due to her filing for divorce.  You may be thinking that it was just because of his age, but I can asssure you 100% that all the guys here will cheat, most just won't get caught.  If they don't cheat, their SO will.  So in the long run while I may be lonely for now, there is always meaningless sex to look forward too (rolls eyes) and the lack of the constant feeling of loss because the relationship will fail due to prolonged seperation.  Maybe I'm just trying to rationalize the despair away.  The feeling of never really finding love that the dumb romantic part of me craves.  That part just needs to die already.  Ugh....

Feel Good Endings

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Complacent

Each day I feel like I'm just running on auto pilot.  I smile at appropriate times, I do my job as I should, sometimes going above my pay grade to help out those who have helped me in the past.  I just don't go outside my safety bubble.  I don't put myself out there in any social way.  I feel very detached.  Like an hourglass slowly running out of sand.   

I know what you're thinking, "Oh god he's suicidal" or "He's depressed".  I wouldn't say I'm suicidal as I would have to hate myself more than I actually do to actually get to that point of hurting msyelf.  Having been to that point at one time in my life, I know I am not there.  Yes I'm depressed, but to be honest, I don't think it is the contributing factor to feeling as I do.  I think it is a symptom.

I have worked at the same company (a hospital) for seven years, but I have had probably close to seven jobs in that same time while working here.  I get to the point where I feel like I have capped out on learning in that field and get bored so look for something else to do to keep me busy and learning.  I have to keep my brain stimulated and my hands busy or I get complacent and boredom sets in.  When that happens my work ethic suffers.  This can relate to my personal life as well and unfortunately, I have getting in both personal and professional lives currently.  Something needs to change, I know this.  I'm just scared because of what I would need to do to change it.  

I graduate with my Associates Degree in Applied Science at the end of June.  I'm 28 and finally getting a degree.  That's pretty pathetic.  It's not even in what I've been doing professionally for the past 7 years.  It has nothing to do with healthcare.   I'm pretty much a grease monkey and I have no applicable work experience in the field so the likelihood of actually finding a job where they treat their workers well and keep them safe is slim.  Not to mention to find a job in the area that I'm specializing in I will have to move out of state and with no safety net available. Not much I can do about that now.  Oh well.

This brings back memories

Gosh, I haven't had a blog since the days of Xanga and Livejournal.  It will be interesting to see what I type as I usually just sort of ramble and let the words flow.  Most of the time my posts won't make much sense I predict.  So to anyone that comes across these ramblings, I apologize now.  You've been warned.